VINNIE BARBARINO WOULD HAVE ASKED, "WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW, WHY?"

1961::  We read on the TV screen, "It's 11 o'clock.  Do you know where your children are?"

2016:  We might read, "It's the 11th o' June.  Do you know who your children are?"

FRISKY FIFE

The difference between Andy of Mayberry and Andy of Memphis--

Mayberry  Andy:  What are you doin', Barney?
Barney:  I'm friskin' him for weapons!
Andy:  Now, Barn, you don't have to do that.  You know there ain't nobody around here with guns.

Memphis  Andy:  What are you doin', Barney?
Barney:  I'm friskin' him for weapons!
Andy:  Now, Barn, you don't have to do that.  You know that everybody around here has guns.

UH, NO PARTYING TONIGHT!

After drinking while texting, "Having wonderful time--wish you were her," a guy was able to calm his girlfriend down enough to resume their relationship.  But, alas, he started drinking and texting again.  Shortly and sweetly he burst, "Let's part!!"

MUST HAVE BEEN BAD SPORTS PRONOUNCERS

Father:  Can you name the positions on a basketball team?
Son:  Uh, huh--there's two gods, a sinner, and two frauds.

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

Little LDS (Mormon) youngster:  Mommy, what's that?
Mom:  Oh, that's a strip club, honey.
Youngster:  What's a strip club?
Mom:  It's where ladies take off their clothes, and, well, one thing can lead to another . . .
Youngster:  Like baptisms?

OFTEN ON, OFTEN OFF, OFTEN OFF AND ON--WHAT??

True story:  My friend and I are casino dealers.  He, especially, deals craps/dice quite often.  For those not highly acquainted with the game, bets are made and the dice rolls determine whether they win, lose, or simply remain for future rolls.  At times certain bets are allowed to be "off," meaning they can't win or lose on that particular roll.  Examples of such bets are "hard ways."  At certain junctures, one of the dealers announces, "Hard ways work unless you call them off."  Translation:  on this dice roll, hard ways can possibly win or lose unless an owner of such a bet yells that his/hers are off--cannot win or lose on that roll.  Why one roll should be any different from any other one for those bets is a mystery in itself to a trained mathematician like me, but that's a discussion for another place and time.

Anyway, my friend properly elicited, "Hard ways work unless you call them off."  Strictly speaking, no response, of course, means they're working.  Only if one doesn't want them to be subject to winning and, especially, to losing, should the player respond at all.  Well, humans--and especially dice players--have their own styles; and, as we all know, the customer is always right--not to mention the fact that sometimes it seems at craps if you're not cheating, you're not trying.  That concept also fills pages of casino manuals!  But to continue, one particular player, in a Texas-sounding accent, responded to my friend's standard announcement, "My hard ways are o__."  Again, the fact that the player said anything should have indicated that he wanted his bets not to count.  I wrote his comment in mysterious form because that accent can really help muddle the difference between "off" and "on."  Well, a hard way was rolled.  That guest demanded to be paid.  "You said your hard ways were off, Sir," my friend explained.  "No," the guest insisted, "I said they were on!"

The upshot?  Management paid the guest, but now my friend delineates by repeating with the terms "working" and "not working."  Still, if you want to try to cheat, mumble, "My bets are onf."  Just don't attempt it on my friend anymore!

Oh, there's a built-in kicker here.  Craps players know there is actually a common transaction in the game known as "off and on."  Fortunately, the dealer states and handles that situation; so it shouldn't run into such difficulties as we noted above.

MAURY POVICH??

Mean Jewish kid:  God is not Jesus's father, but Santa Claus is yours!

THE KID MADE AN "A"--INSTEAD OF AN "O"

Tiepoes again:  One youngster:  You Mormons think hardships are good for you.
The other youngster:  The teacher wrote that hardships make us stranger.

IT'S ALL ABOUT POSITION

Teacher:  Class, what's wrong with this sentence:  I think you're great; so where do you want to do it at?
Student:  You ended the sentence with a preposition.
Teacher:  What should you say?
Student:  I think you're great; so where do you want to do it, your place or mine?
Another student:  You're still ending the sentence in a proposition!

NO NEWS IS . . .

Here's another true observation.  I commented to my wife, "There was a baseball no-hitter today."

"You said there was or there wasn't?" she inquired.  Isn't that like asking, "Did you say there was an earthquake today or there wasn't?"

IT'S A JUNGLE IN THERE

Where did the young male zebras go to party?  The stripe club.

PLAYERS TO BE NAMED LATER

St. Louis Cardinals fan:  We have three prospects on our current Major League roster!
Chicago Cubs fan:  So what?--we have twenty-five!

AFTER FATHER REVIEW . . .

Four officials with heads under black hoods as they check a replay.

Dad:  See, Son, aren't live sports better than those video games?

SPACEY

Blonde astronaut returns after fifty years in space and is filling out an application.

NAME:  Gloria Jones
DATE:  Yes
SEX:  Sometimes
          MALE_____FEMALE_____
EMAIL___________________  I'm sorry, but the world seems to have gotten really complicated since I was last here.

NOT SO GAY

Interviewer:  What do you think about same-sex marriages?
Lady:  We have a same-sex marriage.
Interviewer:  You're married to a woman?
Lady:  No!  Our sex is the same every time.

THE RUNAROUND

Are you going to have your tires rotated?
Blonde:  Nah.  They rotate enough when the car rolls.

UNFAIR MAIDEN

Why did Heather always make better marks than Kevin?  The teacher graded on the curves.

DIAGNOSIS: NERVOUS

Why did the psychiatrist put a patient into an electric chair and lead a lion into the office?  He was giving a Roar-Shock test.

HAIRY SITUATION

Hear about the basketball player who shoved his armpit into an opponent's face?  He got called for a fragrant foul--or was it a foul fragrance?

HOUSEHOLD NAME?

ELECT
Abdullah Maharishi Hasseintauvga Barromichka

Friend:  How much did those signs set you back?
Abdullah:  Almost a million dollars, but I used John Hancock Signature Bottom Lines, and they're the best around.
Friend:  I think you're paying for the name.