NO NEWS IS . . .

Here's another true observation.  I commented to my wife, "There was a baseball no-hitter today."

"You said there was or there wasn't?" she inquired.  Isn't that like asking, "Did you say there was an earthquake today or there wasn't?"

PLAYERS TO BE NAMED LATER

St. Louis Cardinals fan:  We have three prospects on our current Major League roster!
Chicago Cubs fan:  So what?--we have twenty-five!

NEW MEANING TO "ONE-ARMED BANDIT"

After Arizona won the World Series over New York in baseball, I came up with this possible Yogi Berraism: Randy Johnson and Curt Shilling beat the Yankees single-handed. Well, years later a Chicago Cubs analyst, Todd Hollandsworth, actually noted that, "Andrew McCutcheon and Garrett Jones [of the Pirates] have been beating up the Cubs single-handedly."

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME . . .

Yes, I know they haven't won in over a hundred years, but it's not nice to call them the Chokago Cubs.

BASEBALL'S ONLY FATAL BEANING

When baseball pitcher Carl Mays fatally hit batter Ray Chapman with an inside pitch, I guess he gave new meaning to the term "dead-ball era."

NEITHER RAIN, NOR SNOW, NOR GLOOM OF . . .

One: The Cubs have had a boatload of injuries and haven't missed a beat.

Other: Still losing, huh?

One: Uh, right.

TODAY'S GAME: THE IRRESTIBLE FORCES AGAINST THE IMMOVABLE OBJECTS

One: I see the Cubs have erected another statue out there.

Other: Na, that's just our third baseman. He doesn't have a lot of range.

FOR BASEBALL FANS ONLY

Two baseball players are signing autographs when a number of flies begin to bother the lady they're signing for. She's about to swat them with a scorecard when another fly wearing an S on the chest area of its caped blue and red costume whizzes around her eyes. Reacting to this new annoyance, she swats him instead.

One player: What the heck is that?

Other player: That was Sacrifice Fly.

GO CUBBIES!

I have some good news and some bad news for Chicago Cub baseball fans. The good news is I predict the Cubs' streak of non-championship seasons will end at 104. The bad news is some predict the world will end in December of 2012.

100% CHANCE OF WEATHER

Well, it was the first game of a team's baseball season. Early in the extended pre-game, the announcer pointed out the damp conditions, " . . . and recently it's started to rain but not hard. The game, though, should begin on time. We expect it to deteriorate as the afternoon progresses."

Uh, what's going to deteriorate? The weather? The rain? The game?

CLOSE BUT NO SCAR

A rookie pitcher was starting a spring training baseball game. He not only sported earrings, but also displayed a nose ring. The Afro was probably a given. Anyway, the first hitter broke his bat on an inside fastball and rolled out weakly to shortstop. The next man up walked on four inside pitches. The third hitter barely escaped a pitch toward his head before walking on inside stuff as well. The first pitch to the cleanup batter plunked him on the shoulder. Out came the pitching coach. The home-plate umpire joined the discussion. "What the heck is going on?!" demanded the coach.

The pitcher breezed, "We jus' bes jammin'."

READ MY LIPS

Mark Cuban(cube en): I am not desperate to own a baseball team, but if I'd swung that Chicago job, I might have changed my name to Cuban (Cub en).

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN . . .

(Headlie) PUJOLS LIKELY FREE AGENT; WAINWRIGHT OUT FOR YEAR
Mgr. LaRussa asked, "Other than that, how are you enjoying spring training?"

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

One Chicago sportscaster has uttered such as the following: "Sometimes you have to go with what you visually see with your eyes," and, "Carlos, we all know, needs to control his mental state of mind." I'm sure you can understand and comprehend that these comments are redundant and superfluous.

BORN YESTERDAY

I read that new Chicago baseball franchise owner Tom Ricketts has been a "lifelong Cubs fan" since he went to the University of Chicago--huh??

YOUR SINGING CAT

Now you and your cat can sing together! Send no money now! In fact, send no money ever. Nevertheless, if your cat is quite vocal, it will sing with you in no time at all. The song? Why,
"Take Me out to the Ballgame." You'll do most of the singing, but after "take," pet or otherwise silently encourage your cat to vocalize. Thus, you'll have, "Take"
"Meow"
"To the ballgame. Take"
"Meow"
"To the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and . . ."
Your friends and family will be amazed! Not? Uh, you get what you pay for.

THREESOME

First, they used to say that children should be seen, not heard. Well, this joke is better to be heard than read: Girlfriend: My boyfriend is taking me to Sin City!
Blonde: Cool! I have cousins in Ohio!

Next, what show follows an Atlanta Braves-Cleveland Indians baseball game? The Tent Inning.

Last one tonight: Who determines whether you should eat candy after it's fallen onto the carpet? The Food and Rug Administration.