A tornado ripped apart a school. Yet someone phoned, "Is the school open?"
The person taking the call allowed, "Yep--wide open!"
Thursday, June 30, 2011
IF A TREE FALLS IN A FOREST AND . . .
If a team wins a sports championship, but everyone in that city drowns in a concurrent flood, would there be a celebration?
NEED BINOCULARS
There's a gas station with a restaurant south of here--the only such for many, many miles, by the way. The name is FLICKS. From a distance it looks like . . .. Similarly, there's a SLICKS auto body shop near here.
NOT OUR HIGHEST RATED SHOW
Promo: A farmer's chicken production mysteriously drops. See the next episode of THE EGGS FILES.
SOUNDS LIKE CHEATING TO ME
Mother: True or false, Texas is the biggest state?
Little son: False. Texas used to be the biggest state but now Elastic is--I guess they stretched it.
Little son: False. Texas used to be the biggest state but now Elastic is--I guess they stretched it.
MODERN "GIFT OF THE MAGI"
When I think of the spring of 2011, I can imagine a Texas boat on dry land and a Memphis, TN, house floating.
SAD BUT TRUE
Best line, under the circumstances, I heard concerning the May 2011 Mid-South flood: An elderly victim sobbed, "When I cries about the flood, I jus' sees mo' water."
ANCESTORS
Mother: What did you learn about in Sunday school?
Little daughter: Genealogy.
Mother: And what's genealogy, Heather?
Little daughter: It's learning about your aunts and sisters.
Little daughter: Genealogy.
Mother: And what's genealogy, Heather?
Little daughter: It's learning about your aunts and sisters.
BASEBALL'S ONLY FATAL BEANING
When baseball pitcher Carl Mays fatally hit batter Ray Chapman with an inside pitch, I guess he gave new meaning to the term "dead-ball era."
NEVER COULD TRUST THOSE FORECASTERS
A victim of a disastrous tornado: That California kook predicted the end of the world on Saturday, and it didn't happen 'til Sunday!
MIND IN THE GUTTER
Little boy (pointing at a sexily clad damsel): Who's she, Mama?
Mother: Now, how did you know what she does?!
Mother: Now, how did you know what she does?!
NEITHER RAIN, NOR SNOW, NOR GLOOM OF . . .
One: The Cubs have had a boatload of injuries and haven't missed a beat.
Other: Still losing, huh?
One: Uh, right.
Other: Still losing, huh?
One: Uh, right.
TODAY'S GAME: THE IRRESTIBLE FORCES AGAINST THE IMMOVABLE OBJECTS
One: I see the Cubs have erected another statue out there.
Other: Na, that's just our third baseman. He doesn't have a lot of range.
Other: Na, that's just our third baseman. He doesn't have a lot of range.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
THE CHURCH APOLOGIZES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
Preacher: Brothers and sisters, there's a typographical error in the second paragraph, page 4, of your doctrine manual. Where it reads, "When you sin, repeat," please change the "a" to an "n."
WHAT?!
Did you see that white-robed, sandaled, bearded, old man with a sign that read, "REPET--THE "N" IS NEAR!"?
NEW SLOGAN
During the national basketball finals between Dallas and Miami, do you think the sentiment was, "If you can't stand the Heat, root for the Mavericks."?
COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE--NOT!
Blonde at voting booth: I can't find the name of one of the candidates I'm voting for.
Booth worker: Who's that?
Blonde: Sally.
Booth worker: I don't know about a Sally . . .
Blonde's friend: See I told you, dummy! Those lawn signs said, "For Sale."
Booth worker: Who's that?
Blonde: Sally.
Booth worker: I don't know about a Sally . . .
Blonde's friend: See I told you, dummy! Those lawn signs said, "For Sale."
COORDINATING CITY FINANCES WITH THE FITNESS CRAZE
Jogger: But, officer, I'm a pedestrian.
Policeman: I'm giving you a spitting ticket.
Policeman: I'm giving you a spitting ticket.
FOR BASEBALL FANS ONLY
Two baseball players are signing autographs when a number of flies begin to bother the lady they're signing for. She's about to swat them with a scorecard when another fly wearing an S on the chest area of its caped blue and red costume whizzes around her eyes. Reacting to this new annoyance, she swats him instead.
One player: What the heck is that?
Other player: That was Sacrifice Fly.
One player: What the heck is that?
Other player: That was Sacrifice Fly.
COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE(?)
Blonde at estate sale: I want this.
Sale worker: Ma'm, the sticker clearly says, "Sold."
Blonde: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it meant, "Somewhat old."
Sale worker: Ma'm, the sticker clearly says, "Sold."
Blonde: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it meant, "Somewhat old."
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
Customer to salesman: Show me the Carfax.
A couple of brightly dressed guys approach and chime in, "Hello, Sir, isn't this a marvelous vehicle? Or would you prefer to see something in lavender or chartreuse?"
A couple of brightly dressed guys approach and chime in, "Hello, Sir, isn't this a marvelous vehicle? Or would you prefer to see something in lavender or chartreuse?"
NO DEAD AIR ANYWAY
Reporter: We're live from the site of the plane crash, where it has been determined by officials that there are no survivors.
GO CUBBIES!
I have some good news and some bad news for Chicago Cub baseball fans. The good news is I predict the Cubs' streak of non-championship seasons will end at 104. The bad news is some predict the world will end in December of 2012.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES . . .
I was talking with a couple of blondes about the possible end of the world on December 21, 2012. One of them posed, "Well, we could celebrate Christmas a week early." The other blonde went, "Duh! There's no end of the world--the world is round!"
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