YOU MAY BURY THIS ONE

Have you heard that Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ronnie Howard, and Frances Bavier are starring in a new sci-fi movie about a mad scientist who crossbreeds two insect species? It's titled ANT-BEE.

CHICKEN!

One: I don't eat octopus, snake, or shark.

Other: Oh, why's that?

One: I stay away from fright food.

NO TICKET--JUST A MEMORIAL FUND CHECK

Officer: Ok, Bud, wedding, funeral, or fire?

Speeder: Well, I am headed for the funeral of my brother, who died in a fire at the chapel where he was getting married last weekend.

JUST LIKE HER HAIR PROBABLY

Why did the blonde put her shredded wheat into the freezer? She wanted it frosted.

MULTITASKING TV

A West Virginia farm family strikes oil, moves to California, and adopts two out-of-work former TV child-star boys. See LEAVE IT TO BEAVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NEW MEANING TO "ONE-ARMED BANDIT"

After Arizona won the World Series over New York in baseball, I came up with this possible Yogi Berraism: Randy Johnson and Curt Shilling beat the Yankees single-handed. Well, years later a Chicago Cubs analyst, Todd Hollandsworth, actually noted that, "Andrew McCutcheon and Garrett Jones [of the Pirates] have been beating up the Cubs single-handedly."

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

One: What are you eating?

Blonde: A whale sandwich.

One: Whale? That's not whale; it's tuna.

Blonde: Tuna? Oh, I thought it said "tona fish."

NEED A DAY OFF FROM JOKE-WRITING

When Jesus cured ten people of leprosy, if they had celebrated by commemorating the first Monday in September, what should they have named the day? Leper Day.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME . . .

Yes, I know they haven't won in over a hundred years, but it's not nice to call them the Chokago Cubs.

COSMETIC ANSWER

One: What kind of evidence was found on her clothes--and keep in mind there are children present here.

Other: Uh, ok, let's say Oil of a Lay.

MORE RIDDLES FOR DUMMIES

When do leaves fall? In the fall.
What do lazy people do with leaves? Leave them.
Bonus question: How do leaves fall? It's autumnatic.

NEW STRAIN MAYBE

(Sign in a pharmacy: FLU SHOTS EVERY DAY)
Pharmacist: But you received one just yesterday, Ma'm.

PAPER AND PLASTIC

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Patient: I know it says, "Check Out," but may I use cash instead?

CAN'T ARGUE

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Receptionist: Why are you removing your clothes?

Patient: I thought they were going to check me out here.

NOT YOUR FASTEST WORKERS

(Loud nightclub)
He: Do you come here often?

She: What?

He (louder): Do you come here often?

She: Oh, yeah, the summer's been awful!

RIDDLE FOR DUMMIES

What word do you get from "reserve" if you reverse the "s" and "v"?

HELLO, DARLIN'

Hear about the blonde that thinks twitter.com was a country singer?

HUM, SHORTER SENTENCE VS. POSSIBLE DEAL

Policeman: Why aren't you in school?

Young teen: I'm playing hooker.

Policeman: You mean hooky.

Young teen: Whatever.

FOR SENIOR CITIZENS ONLY

Somebody missed out! How about Brenda Lee as spokesperson for a no-calorie sugar substitute "Sweet Nothin's"?

COULD SHE GET HIS WIFE CORRECTA?

Mother: Who was Martin Luther King?

Little daughter: He believed in civil riots.

Mother: That's rights.

Little daughter: Thank you. Teacher told us not to forget that.