NO NEWS IS . . .

Here's another true observation.  I commented to my wife, "There was a baseball no-hitter today."

"You said there was or there wasn't?" she inquired.  Isn't that like asking, "Did you say there was an earthquake today or there wasn't?"

IT'S A JUNGLE IN THERE

Where did the young male zebras go to party?  The stripe club.

PLAYERS TO BE NAMED LATER

St. Louis Cardinals fan:  We have three prospects on our current Major League roster!
Chicago Cubs fan:  So what?--we have twenty-five!

AFTER FATHER REVIEW . . .

Four officials with heads under black hoods as they check a replay.

Dad:  See, Son, aren't live sports better than those video games?

SPACEY

Blonde astronaut returns after fifty years in space and is filling out an application.

NAME:  Gloria Jones
DATE:  Yes
SEX:  Sometimes
          MALE_____FEMALE_____
EMAIL___________________  I'm sorry, but the world seems to have gotten really complicated since I was last here.

NOT SO GAY

Interviewer:  What do you think about same-sex marriages?
Lady:  We have a same-sex marriage.
Interviewer:  You're married to a woman?
Lady:  No!  Our sex is the same every time.

THE RUNAROUND

Are you going to have your tires rotated?
Blonde:  Nah.  They rotate enough when the car rolls.

UNFAIR MAIDEN

Why did Heather always make better marks than Kevin?  The teacher graded on the curves.

DIAGNOSIS: NERVOUS

Why did the psychiatrist put a patient into an electric chair and lead a lion into the office?  He was giving a Roar-Shock test.

HAIRY SITUATION

Hear about the basketball player who shoved his armpit into an opponent's face?  He got called for a fragrant foul--or was it a foul fragrance?

HOUSEHOLD NAME?

ELECT
Abdullah Maharishi Hasseintauvga Barromichka

Friend:  How much did those signs set you back?
Abdullah:  Almost a million dollars, but I used John Hancock Signature Bottom Lines, and they're the best around.
Friend:  I think you're paying for the name.

Shazam!

When NCAA college basketball seeds 8, Kentucky, and 7, Connecticut, made the championship game, my headline was Gomer Pyle's "Surprise, surprise!"

HELLO!

Make the most of your business phone hellos.  Examples:  "Acme Horse Feed Supply--hey"; "Woody's Tree Branch Cutters--hi".