CHICKEN!

One: I don't eat octopus, snake, or shark.

Other: Oh, why's that?

One: I stay away from fright food.

NO RESPECT: KEEP AWAY

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like when I was little, my mother said, "Don't you realize how hard your father works to keep food on the table?" I said, "Yeah, I realize how hard he works to keep food on the table. Every evening I see him lock all the doors to the dining room to keep me outta there!"

MAINTAINING AN IMAGE

Observer in buffet: Ma'm, you're carrying two plates!
Fat lady: I have only two hands!
Observer: Well, are you going back for seconds?
Fat lady: Oh, it'll take a lot longer than that!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

(At a buffet) Employee: Ma'm, the sign clearly states that children under ten must be accompanied by an adult to the food bars.
Mother: Oh, my son can't really read yet.

BREAKING TRAINING

Our physical trainer saw me with quite a bit of food in my hands. "Not lunch--lunge!" she yelled.

"Didn't you e-mail me about plates?" I reminded her.

"Not plates!" she moaned. "Pilates!"