REMEMBER BEADS FOR MANHATTAN ISLAND?

(Indian male in a Vegas brothel) Madame: May we help you?
Indian: Me want Indian princess.
Madame: Indian princess? Un huh--I'll get you Marsha--uh, Marsh Dew.
Indian: Um, her Indian?
Madame: Oh, yes, a nice, pretty Indian girl.
Indian: What tribe?
Madame: Uh--she's a Nevada 'ho.

YOU NAME IT . . .

Imagine, if you would, this strip center marquee:

GOOD BUY travel agency
SURELOCK HOMES residential security system
LAWN ORDER landscaping
preFURS 2nd-hand coats and stoles
SHOO! exterminators--Bug emergency? We'll step on it!
BABES 'R' US gentlemen's club

WHAT DO MONSTERS DO ON HALLOWEEN?

Imagine Halloween decorations galore as the doorbell rings again. The lady of the house strolls to the door, opens it, and shouts to her husband, "It's Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman." The husband reaches the doorway and utters, "You three couldn't afford costumes again this year, right?"

666-TOSATAN/000-4HEAVEN

How does the devil answer the phone? "Hell."

How do angels answer the phone? "Halo."

THANKS FOR SHARING THAT

Blonde's friend: What did you think of Chernobyl?

Blonde: Oh, I didn't even know Cher got married again.

PROCESS OF ELIMINATION

In other local news, there were numerous reports across the countryside of mysterious lights in the night sky. Phone calls were received by law enforcement agencies, as well as virtually every media outlet, between 9:45 and 10:30 last evening. In particular, Sheriff Wally Jones and a deputy, Travis Boone, ventured out of their office to obtain a first-hand look at the reportedly often-moving, sometimes-stationary, and usually-flickering lights. Sheriff Jones commented this morning about 8:30, "We don't at this time know what it was, but it definitely was not a UFO."

100% CHANCE OF WEATHER

Well, it was the first game of a team's baseball season. Early in the extended pre-game, the announcer pointed out the damp conditions, " . . . and recently it's started to rain but not hard. The game, though, should begin on time. We expect it to deteriorate as the afternoon progresses."

Uh, what's going to deteriorate? The weather? The rain? The game?