YOU MAY BURY THIS ONE

Have you heard that Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ronnie Howard, and Frances Bavier are starring in a new sci-fi movie about a mad scientist who crossbreeds two insect species? It's titled ANT-BEE.

CHICKEN!

One: I don't eat octopus, snake, or shark.

Other: Oh, why's that?

One: I stay away from fright food.

NO TICKET--JUST A MEMORIAL FUND CHECK

Officer: Ok, Bud, wedding, funeral, or fire?

Speeder: Well, I am headed for the funeral of my brother, who died in a fire at the chapel where he was getting married last weekend.

JUST LIKE HER HAIR PROBABLY

Why did the blonde put her shredded wheat into the freezer? She wanted it frosted.

MULTITASKING TV

A West Virginia farm family strikes oil, moves to California, and adopts two out-of-work former TV child-star boys. See LEAVE IT TO BEAVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NEW MEANING TO "ONE-ARMED BANDIT"

After Arizona won the World Series over New York in baseball, I came up with this possible Yogi Berraism: Randy Johnson and Curt Shilling beat the Yankees single-handed. Well, years later a Chicago Cubs analyst, Todd Hollandsworth, actually noted that, "Andrew McCutcheon and Garrett Jones [of the Pirates] have been beating up the Cubs single-handedly."

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

One: What are you eating?

Blonde: A whale sandwich.

One: Whale? That's not whale; it's tuna.

Blonde: Tuna? Oh, I thought it said "tona fish."

NEED A DAY OFF FROM JOKE-WRITING

When Jesus cured ten people of leprosy, if they had celebrated by commemorating the first Monday in September, what should they have named the day? Leper Day.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME . . .

Yes, I know they haven't won in over a hundred years, but it's not nice to call them the Chokago Cubs.

COSMETIC ANSWER

One: What kind of evidence was found on her clothes--and keep in mind there are children present here.

Other: Uh, ok, let's say Oil of a Lay.

MORE RIDDLES FOR DUMMIES

When do leaves fall? In the fall.
What do lazy people do with leaves? Leave them.
Bonus question: How do leaves fall? It's autumnatic.

NEW STRAIN MAYBE

(Sign in a pharmacy: FLU SHOTS EVERY DAY)
Pharmacist: But you received one just yesterday, Ma'm.

PAPER AND PLASTIC

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Patient: I know it says, "Check Out," but may I use cash instead?

CAN'T ARGUE

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Receptionist: Why are you removing your clothes?

Patient: I thought they were going to check me out here.

NOT YOUR FASTEST WORKERS

(Loud nightclub)
He: Do you come here often?

She: What?

He (louder): Do you come here often?

She: Oh, yeah, the summer's been awful!

RIDDLE FOR DUMMIES

What word do you get from "reserve" if you reverse the "s" and "v"?

HELLO, DARLIN'

Hear about the blonde that thinks twitter.com was a country singer?

HUM, SHORTER SENTENCE VS. POSSIBLE DEAL

Policeman: Why aren't you in school?

Young teen: I'm playing hooker.

Policeman: You mean hooky.

Young teen: Whatever.

FOR SENIOR CITIZENS ONLY

Somebody missed out! How about Brenda Lee as spokesperson for a no-calorie sugar substitute "Sweet Nothin's"?

COULD SHE GET HIS WIFE CORRECTA?

Mother: Who was Martin Luther King?

Little daughter: He believed in civil riots.

Mother: That's rights.

Little daughter: Thank you. Teacher told us not to forget that.

THE OPPONENT COULD BE ILL

Guy: Hey, Babe, check the TV and tell me who's winning the game.

Blonde: Some team named Scar.

Guy: Scar? That's South Carolina!

EXING

He meant to text, "Hey, girl, let's party!" But he sent, "Hey, girl, let's part!"

PURRFECT LEADER

Name a cat that ruled China. Meow Tse Tung.

PROBABLY SEMI-PRIVATE ROOMS

Mercy, Mercy Hospital guarantees to start treating your chest pain within five minutes of your arrival. And there are color TV's in both of our rooms!

HE RODE THE SILLY BUS HOME

Mother: What else happened on your first day in school?

Son: The teacher said she'd give us the syphilis tomorrow.

WHERE ARE FRANK AND ERNEST WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

First guy: Does your girlfriend like politics?

Second guy: No--she likes sweets.

First guy: Ah ha, that makes her a candy date.

MEN, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS . . . COMMUNICATION

First angel: They're building a tower up to heaven again.

Second angel: I thought we stopped that for good with the Tower of Babel.

First angel: Yeah, well, they're using Rosetta Stone to communicate with each other.

THURSDAY MORNINGS AT 3:37

Reality contestants vie against each other with nothing but their bare feet and slabs of wood. See SURFIVOR.

OLD HABITS

Mr. Tyson, that's not what we mean by "punching a clock."

SO YOU'VE BEEN AFRAID TO ASK, TOO

Maybe it's just I, but, really, what is wrought iron? Is it kind of like rot? Also, how cordial can cherry cordials be?

THOUSANDS OF OUT-OF-WORK COMEDIANS AND . . .

Customer: How much is this dog?

Pet shop employee: Let me check the bark code--get it, bark code, ruff ruff?!

WICKED ANGEL

Why would somebody named Angel want it pronounced "an hell"?

EXPANDING YOUR VOCABULARY

Sniglet (remember Rich Hall's new words?): Orangy--a risque Halloween party.

SELFISH

Did you hear that Satan is demanding better billing in the Bible? He wants it to be either Adder and Eve or Adam and Evil.

"EVERYBODY LOVES SOMEBODY SOMETIME"

Graffiti: Did you hear that the Headless Horseman had a hot date with a topless waitress?

WHO SAID REAL ESTATE IS TOUGH THESE DAYS?

Blonde Chicago Bear fan: Where are we playing today?

Other: Soldier Field.

Blonde: Well, we'd better find some place to play!

PLUS THE JEANS MIGHT GET WRINKLED DOWN THERE

Brett Favre: Why are y'all stopping my jeans contract?

Spokesman: We wanted folks to think of you putting on Wranglers, not taking them off!

GUESS SUPER HEARING IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO

Government worker: What is your name, Sir?

Superman: My name is Superman.

Government worker: Ok, Mr. Man, what is your middle name?

Superman: My metal name is The Man of Steel.

REBOUND ASSIST?

Blonde: How did you do in the basketball game last night?

Boyfriend: Eighteen points, seven rebounds.

Blonde: How can you get point seven of a rebound?

LIFE

(Part 1)

NASA employee to blonde astronaut, who happens to be roaming around a strange planet's cemetery: Any sign of life?

Blonde astronaut: No.

(Part 2)

Alien on another planet to comrade alien astronaut on earth in front of the World Wrestling Federation: Any sign of intelligent life?

Alien astronaut: No.

TRICKED

Man of the house to visitor on Halloween: What are you supposed to be?

Visitor: Huh? I always dress like this!

WHEN IT'S GONE, IT'S GONE

Customer: The discontinued section is empty.

Store manager: The discontinued section has been discontinued, Sir.

YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THIS ONE

A young boy tells tasteless jokes about dead people. See THE SICK SENSE (OF HUMOR).

IMMIGRANT'S POEM

It has really been rough
Since I acquired this cough.
I'll go to work today, though,
And with medicine make it through.

HELPFUL AT A MONOPOLY GAME

Thus asketh the Lord, "What good is your Baal?"

And he said, "To get me out of jail."

SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

If you're spending too much time on movies, forget THE GODFATHER and remember God's son.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT

Online customer: I received everything I ordered but the Bible.

Online salesperson: It was a mistake by the packer. We resent the Bible.

BLAME THE (INSTANT) MESSENGER

Ebay seller: Shipped your jewelry this morning.

Immigrant: Good! Wife exited!

ANOTHER TIEPOE

Sign: Regularly $100, now 20% of!

Customer to salesperson: So I pay $20.

Salesperson: No, $80.

BUT WE BOUGHT IT OFF YOUR WEBSITE!

Animals: How long is our ark reservation?

Noah: Forty days and thirty-nine nights.

Animals: But it's gonna rain forty days and forty nights.

Noah: Sorry, but that's our policy.