NO RESPECT: FAMILY PRIDE

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like you know how family members try to claim you as taking after their side of the family? Heck, in my family both sides claim that I'm from the other side of the family!

NO RESPECT: KEEP AWAY

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like when I was little, my mother said, "Don't you realize how hard your father works to keep food on the table?" I said, "Yeah, I realize how hard he works to keep food on the table. Every evening I see him lock all the doors to the dining room to keep me outta there!"

NO RESPECT: OUR HERO!

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Ya know, today they have seat belts, child car seats, special restraining devices--heck, when I was little, they used me as the air bag!

NO RESPECT: FAIR SHARE

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like I told my uncle, "I hope you remember me in your will." A few weeks ago he passed on. Turns out he owed about a hundred fifty thousand dollars. My share is twenty-five!

NO RESPECT: . . .THERE'S A WAY

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like last month, I was in the hospital. My family sent me a card. It said, "Get will soon!"

NO RESPECT: BETTER LISTEN!

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like when I was little, my mother always said, "Look one way before you cross!"

X-RATED? (SIN)

A guy in a multi-screen movie house accidentally wandered into the restroom area, where he noticed one of my sins--a sign with letters missing--namely, "OMEN" for "WOMEN." "Hey, I've always wanted to see this movie," he thought, as he sauntered right in.

FRIGHT CHICKEN

Why did the chicken walk across the road? It's been afraid to fly since 9/11.

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?

I asked my friend whether he got lucky at the casino last night. He offered, "No--but I won six hundred dollars."

A PENNY SAVED . . .

Customer: How much is this language-learning program?

Salesperson: $521.99.

Customer: $521.99! F___!

Salesperson: Well, it seems you don't need French.

HEAD SCRATCHER

Our everyman strolls to an information desk in a large, busy area. "Can you tell me where the lost and found is," he inquires.

"Absolutely, Sir," the employee announces. "The lost is all the way down to your left, and the found is all the way down to your right."

HEY!

Some disclaimers are needed for this one. First, it's meant to be in cartoon form. Second, it's the kind of classic idea that I'd bet has been done before, but I don't recall seeing it. Anyway, a bunch of folks are on their hands and knees in hay in a barn. The one to the far right in the cartoon holds up a needle. (Need I say more?)

CLOSE BUT NO SCAR

A rookie pitcher was starting a spring training baseball game. He not only sported earrings, but also displayed a nose ring. The Afro was probably a given. Anyway, the first hitter broke his bat on an inside fastball and rolled out weakly to shortstop. The next man up walked on four inside pitches. The third hitter barely escaped a pitch toward his head before walking on inside stuff as well. The first pitch to the cleanup batter plunked him on the shoulder. Out came the pitching coach. The home-plate umpire joined the discussion. "What the heck is going on?!" demanded the coach.

The pitcher breezed, "We jus' bes jammin'."

IT'S GOOD!!

Hear about the Kobe Bryant mixer that emits a loud sound when the mixing is done? That's right, it's equipped with a beater buzzer!

MARGE MADNESS

A little girl wanted to shoot the basketball. "No, you're too young for that," her uncle asserted.

"I want to shoot the basketball!" the girl went on.

"Marjorie, I said you're too short," the uncle argued.

"I want to shoot the basketball!!" the kid yelled.

"But you're a gir . . .," her uncle tried to plead as she interrupted.

"I said I . . .," she went on as if possessed.

"Ok, here," allowed her uncle. Standing almost under the basket and with her best heave, the niece hurled the ball straight enough but just under the rim. At that point Margorie's father walked into the gymnasium.

"You didn't let her shoot the basketball, did you, Eddie?" the father said to his brother.

"Nothin' but net," the uncle hedged.

NOT TONIGHT . . .

Adam was asked what Eve used when she had a headache. "A leaf," Adam divulged.

FARM GIRL?

A traveling businessman found himself in a rural area and stopped into a small motel. As he checked in, he inquired of the desk clerk, "Anything going on around here?"

The clerk informed the businessman, "I think they're having a hoedown tonight."

The guest, lowering his voice, followed up, "You don't happen to know how much she charges, do you?"

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD OF FOOTBALL

Brett Favre: I don't always wear pants; but when I do, I prefer Wrangler jeans. Stay sexy, my friend.

TERRORISTS, BEWARE!

Passenger: I didn't expect to see Frankenstein and the Wolfman on this airplane.
Attendant: Oh, they're just using their freak-flier miles.

HAVE ANY PICTURES? WANNA BUY SOME?

Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger gave new meaning to taking snaps.

WHERE THERE'S A WILL . . .

Coach: Hey, Favre, you can't play Sunday; your arm's in a sling.
Brett: Not my left arm.

AND NOW YOU KNOW ONLY HALF THE STORY

Afternoon car accident: Ok, Sir, please give me your name--good--your insurance company--fine--address--ok--what's your home phone number?--your work phone--cell number--oh, yeah, what's your e-mail address--let's see this one's home, this one's at work--
Darkness falls: Have a website? I see, good--how 'bout a blog--uh huh--twitter account?--good--facebook?--thanks--oh, yes, let me see a major credit card--ok--and . . .

FOR REAL?

Department store placard: FAUX FUR COAT $39.95
Blonde: Hey, that's a great price for a fox fur!

READ MY LIPS

Mark Cuban(cube en): I am not desperate to own a baseball team, but if I'd swung that Chicago job, I might have changed my name to Cuban (Cub en).

JOB WITH LOTS OF TURNOVER

What did the sexy quadriplegic do for a living? She was a belly dancer.

WHO ARE YOU?

Graffiti: Remember to give Trick-or-Treaters good costumer service!

BAD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

Guy: Do you really think the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012?
Friend: Nah. With these earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear power plant disasters, I don't see how we'll make it out of 2011!

MAINTAINING AN IMAGE

Observer in buffet: Ma'm, you're carrying two plates!
Fat lady: I have only two hands!
Observer: Well, are you going back for seconds?
Fat lady: Oh, it'll take a lot longer than that!

QUITE A FEAT

So an NFL coach's wife has become famous for her feet display on the internet. I guess that makes her a corn star?

WHAT WE HAVE HERE--IS--FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

Solicitor: Do you have an old cell phone you're not using?
Blonde: Why do you ask?
Solicitor: Soldiers.
Blonde: No, I didn't sell it. I still have mine.

LITTLE KNOWN CAJUN UTAH

Blonde: What's the nickname of that Bayou team?
Friend: You mean LSU?
Blonde: No.
Friend: Louisiana Tech?
Blonde: Un uh.
Friend: Maybe Mississippi State?
Blonde: No, Bayou--BYU.

WORLDLY PURSUITS

Grafitti: Amelia Earhart and Magellan made New Year's revolutions.

ONLINE AND IN LINE

For material treasures, you might think Ebay; for spiritual treasures, think "obey."

COMING OR GOING?

Blonde: I'd like a slice of coconut pie.
Waitress: I'm sorry, Ma'm, but we've run out.
Blonde: Well, how soon do you think they'll be back?

THE LOSER IS . . .

The U.S.A.'s lack of productivity leads to threats by foreign countries. See AMERICA IDLE, only in theaters.

BETTER THAN A BIRD IN THE HAND

Dispensing hot chocolate every hour on the hour it's the new Cocoa Clock!

GRAMPS'S CRAMPS

Man: I understand that your grandfather is a novelist--he writes books.
Little girl: He's retired.
Man: Why did he retire?
Little girl: He has author writis.

DEEP THOUGHTS

Caller to school at 4 a.m.: Is school going to open today?
Administrator (after pushing with all his might against snowed-in door): No, Ma'm, I don't think so.

WATCH OUT FOR CZECHS

It took quite awhile for the plantation system to be done away with. It seems there was a tiepoe in the headlie: LINCOLN FREES SLAVS.

GO FIGURE

You see some school zones show speed limits of 10 or 15 mph. Others allow 20 to 25 mph. What do you think--that second group of kids are older and faster? Or maybe those areas are crowded, and bumping off one or two wouldn't hurt.

MIGHT INCUR A SIR CHARGE

The Great Carnak returns!
Answer: Zebra.
Question: What's the largest size of women's upper piece of lingerie?

WHO'S HEIMLICH?

After a blonde's boyfriend got a bone stuck in his throat and died, she was asked why she didn't help him. The girl explained, "I thought he said he was joking."

BARGAINS

MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK SUNDRY

44-caliber 7-shooter
2 ladies of the evening for the price of one
2 perms for the price of one

SPECIALIZATION

What's the best delivery service for salads? Parsley Post.

ANOTHER ONE I DUG UP

Hear about the dandelion and the crabgrass that had been together about a month? Yep, they were newlyweeds.

WHAT'S THAT I HEAR BEHIND US?

Houston: What about fossils?
Astronaut: We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found a fossil 50 feet tall with footlong claws. The bad news is it's only about a month old.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS--SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION

Purchasing from Cairo on the internet is called what? E-Gyp.
How does a rattlesnake in Arizona phone a cobra in India? Poison to poison.
How does someone in San Antonio communicate with a person in Dallas? Tex message.

COULDN'T GOOGLE THIS ONE

Where can you see videos of spa orgies? YOUTUB.

ADULT TERMINOLOGY

Hear about the blonde that thinks Silicon Valley is another term for cleavage?

ARE THESE ALLOWED ON AIRPLANES?

I saw an ad for an atomic watch, professed to be accurate to within a second per million years. Should they include a disclaimer that adds, ". . . or until the battery runs down, whichever comes first"?

SI, SI, MONSIEUR

These days almost everything is written in several languages. I have a package of razors that relates required information in English and French. I was glad to read in French that the razors were made in Mexico.

#1 ON THE FOUL PLAYLIST

A small-town disc jockey is about to come into a large fortune from a hospitalized grandfather, when the radio personality's body is found in a lake near the station. See DEAD HEIR, only in theaters.

SHE CAN WAKE UP OR . . .

What's the best way for Dorothy to get back to Kansas from Oz? Reverse Ozmosis.

ALPHABET SOUP

Mother: Ok, Heather, say your ABC's.
Heather: A, B, C.
Mother: Now your DEF's.
Heather: D, E, F.
Mother: How about your GHI's?
Heather: G, H, I.
Mother: And your . . .

But then there's another daughter--
Neighbor: Can you say your ABC's, Ashley?
Ashley: Of course! M, S, V, C, O, Z, A, L, Q, . . .
Neighbor: Wait--it's supposed to be A, B, C, D, E, F, . . .
Ashley: Well, you didn't tell me to say 'em in order!

BROTHER!

What did Gretel, palms up and to the sides, say to her mother when Gretel arrived home alone on her bicycle from the witch's house? Look, Ma, no Hansel!

WHAT IF . . .

What if John Adams or his son, John Quincy Adams, had married, say, Evelyn Jones? Then the First Lady would have been Eve Adams. Ok, see the first couple was--oh, whatever.

THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG

The first couple ever was which?
a. Adam and Eve;
b. A dame and Eve;
c. Adam and Steve;
d. Eve 'n' Steven;
e. Steve and Edie;
f. Tarzan and Jane.

EASY TRANSITION

Hip-hop singing idol goes gospel. See FROM RAPPER TO RAPTURE, in theaters only.

PARTY HEARTY

Years ago a motel was in its last days but featured a holiday period marquee that I'll never forget:
PLAN YOUR FAMILY
PARTIES NOW
I still wonder how wild those parties were!

WHO NEEDS PILLS?

Our company's employee buffet sometimes lists "calm chowder" on the menu. Maybe that's to counteract the effects of the strong coffee.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN . . .

(Headlie) PUJOLS LIKELY FREE AGENT; WAINWRIGHT OUT FOR YEAR
Mgr. LaRussa asked, "Other than that, how are you enjoying spring training?"

CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?!

A driver sees a sign with an arrow to the right: DOWN TOW. So he turns right and surely enough his car almost immediately falls off a cliff. Soon a wrecker arrives. Perhaps its shop is indeed located downtown.

GO TO _ELL

(To a blonde)Guy: Do you plan to go to college?
Blonde: Yes.
Guy: What do you plan to study?
Blonde: Cheerleading.
Guy: You're going to college to study cheerleading? Uh, have you decided on a school?
Blonde: Yell sounds good, I guess.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

One Chicago sportscaster has uttered such as the following: "Sometimes you have to go with what you visually see with your eyes," and, "Carlos, we all know, needs to control his mental state of mind." I'm sure you can understand and comprehend that these comments are redundant and superfluous.

SOULFUL STYLE

Hear about the African-American barber shop quartet? They call themselves "Tune Fro."

THE GREATEST SMOKEOUT (HEADLIE)

SMOKING BEING PHASED OUT

New law requires tobacco purchasers to be under 18 years of age

WON AND DONE (HEADLIE)

NCAA SANCTIONS WREAK HAVOC WITH BASKETBALL TOURNEY

Final Four moved up to this weekend with BYU, St. Mary's, Notre Dame, and Holy Cross

LUNAR LUNCH

Have you heard that they found a restaurant on the moon? Great food, not much atmosphere, of course.

DIVERSIFY!

Well, if TIME magazine wants to diversify, here are some possibilities: For cravat cravers/clothes horses, I present for your edification TIE magazine. For Asians and spicy food lovers, how about THAI magazine? Continuing with that spice theme, there could be THYME magazine. Or not.

REPENT AND BE SHAVED

Picture it: an old man with a long, long, long white beard. As he enters, we keep looking at his beard dragging the floor and still trailing outside the door. How long is that thing? Oh, well, not to worry too much. The sandaled, white-robed gentleman's sign informs us, of course, "The End Is Near!"