YOU MAY BURY THIS ONE

Have you heard that Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ronnie Howard, and Frances Bavier are starring in a new sci-fi movie about a mad scientist who crossbreeds two insect species? It's titled ANT-BEE.

CHICKEN!

One: I don't eat octopus, snake, or shark.

Other: Oh, why's that?

One: I stay away from fright food.

NO TICKET--JUST A MEMORIAL FUND CHECK

Officer: Ok, Bud, wedding, funeral, or fire?

Speeder: Well, I am headed for the funeral of my brother, who died in a fire at the chapel where he was getting married last weekend.

JUST LIKE HER HAIR PROBABLY

Why did the blonde put her shredded wheat into the freezer? She wanted it frosted.

MULTITASKING TV

A West Virginia farm family strikes oil, moves to California, and adopts two out-of-work former TV child-star boys. See LEAVE IT TO BEAVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NEW MEANING TO "ONE-ARMED BANDIT"

After Arizona won the World Series over New York in baseball, I came up with this possible Yogi Berraism: Randy Johnson and Curt Shilling beat the Yankees single-handed. Well, years later a Chicago Cubs analyst, Todd Hollandsworth, actually noted that, "Andrew McCutcheon and Garrett Jones [of the Pirates] have been beating up the Cubs single-handedly."

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

One: What are you eating?

Blonde: A whale sandwich.

One: Whale? That's not whale; it's tuna.

Blonde: Tuna? Oh, I thought it said "tona fish."

NEED A DAY OFF FROM JOKE-WRITING

When Jesus cured ten people of leprosy, if they had celebrated by commemorating the first Monday in September, what should they have named the day? Leper Day.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME . . .

Yes, I know they haven't won in over a hundred years, but it's not nice to call them the Chokago Cubs.

COSMETIC ANSWER

One: What kind of evidence was found on her clothes--and keep in mind there are children present here.

Other: Uh, ok, let's say Oil of a Lay.

MORE RIDDLES FOR DUMMIES

When do leaves fall? In the fall.
What do lazy people do with leaves? Leave them.
Bonus question: How do leaves fall? It's autumnatic.

NEW STRAIN MAYBE

(Sign in a pharmacy: FLU SHOTS EVERY DAY)
Pharmacist: But you received one just yesterday, Ma'm.

PAPER AND PLASTIC

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Patient: I know it says, "Check Out," but may I use cash instead?

CAN'T ARGUE

(Check Out at a doctor's office)
Receptionist: Why are you removing your clothes?

Patient: I thought they were going to check me out here.

NOT YOUR FASTEST WORKERS

(Loud nightclub)
He: Do you come here often?

She: What?

He (louder): Do you come here often?

She: Oh, yeah, the summer's been awful!

RIDDLE FOR DUMMIES

What word do you get from "reserve" if you reverse the "s" and "v"?

HELLO, DARLIN'

Hear about the blonde that thinks twitter.com was a country singer?

HUM, SHORTER SENTENCE VS. POSSIBLE DEAL

Policeman: Why aren't you in school?

Young teen: I'm playing hooker.

Policeman: You mean hooky.

Young teen: Whatever.

FOR SENIOR CITIZENS ONLY

Somebody missed out! How about Brenda Lee as spokesperson for a no-calorie sugar substitute "Sweet Nothin's"?

COULD SHE GET HIS WIFE CORRECTA?

Mother: Who was Martin Luther King?

Little daughter: He believed in civil riots.

Mother: That's rights.

Little daughter: Thank you. Teacher told us not to forget that.

THE OPPONENT COULD BE ILL

Guy: Hey, Babe, check the TV and tell me who's winning the game.

Blonde: Some team named Scar.

Guy: Scar? That's South Carolina!

EXING

He meant to text, "Hey, girl, let's party!" But he sent, "Hey, girl, let's part!"

PURRFECT LEADER

Name a cat that ruled China. Meow Tse Tung.

PROBABLY SEMI-PRIVATE ROOMS

Mercy, Mercy Hospital guarantees to start treating your chest pain within five minutes of your arrival. And there are color TV's in both of our rooms!

HE RODE THE SILLY BUS HOME

Mother: What else happened on your first day in school?

Son: The teacher said she'd give us the syphilis tomorrow.

WHERE ARE FRANK AND ERNEST WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

First guy: Does your girlfriend like politics?

Second guy: No--she likes sweets.

First guy: Ah ha, that makes her a candy date.

MEN, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS . . . COMMUNICATION

First angel: They're building a tower up to heaven again.

Second angel: I thought we stopped that for good with the Tower of Babel.

First angel: Yeah, well, they're using Rosetta Stone to communicate with each other.

THURSDAY MORNINGS AT 3:37

Reality contestants vie against each other with nothing but their bare feet and slabs of wood. See SURFIVOR.

OLD HABITS

Mr. Tyson, that's not what we mean by "punching a clock."

SO YOU'VE BEEN AFRAID TO ASK, TOO

Maybe it's just I, but, really, what is wrought iron? Is it kind of like rot? Also, how cordial can cherry cordials be?

THOUSANDS OF OUT-OF-WORK COMEDIANS AND . . .

Customer: How much is this dog?

Pet shop employee: Let me check the bark code--get it, bark code, ruff ruff?!

WICKED ANGEL

Why would somebody named Angel want it pronounced "an hell"?

EXPANDING YOUR VOCABULARY

Sniglet (remember Rich Hall's new words?): Orangy--a risque Halloween party.

SELFISH

Did you hear that Satan is demanding better billing in the Bible? He wants it to be either Adder and Eve or Adam and Evil.

"EVERYBODY LOVES SOMEBODY SOMETIME"

Graffiti: Did you hear that the Headless Horseman had a hot date with a topless waitress?

WHO SAID REAL ESTATE IS TOUGH THESE DAYS?

Blonde Chicago Bear fan: Where are we playing today?

Other: Soldier Field.

Blonde: Well, we'd better find some place to play!

PLUS THE JEANS MIGHT GET WRINKLED DOWN THERE

Brett Favre: Why are y'all stopping my jeans contract?

Spokesman: We wanted folks to think of you putting on Wranglers, not taking them off!

GUESS SUPER HEARING IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO

Government worker: What is your name, Sir?

Superman: My name is Superman.

Government worker: Ok, Mr. Man, what is your middle name?

Superman: My metal name is The Man of Steel.

REBOUND ASSIST?

Blonde: How did you do in the basketball game last night?

Boyfriend: Eighteen points, seven rebounds.

Blonde: How can you get point seven of a rebound?

LIFE

(Part 1)

NASA employee to blonde astronaut, who happens to be roaming around a strange planet's cemetery: Any sign of life?

Blonde astronaut: No.

(Part 2)

Alien on another planet to comrade alien astronaut on earth in front of the World Wrestling Federation: Any sign of intelligent life?

Alien astronaut: No.

TRICKED

Man of the house to visitor on Halloween: What are you supposed to be?

Visitor: Huh? I always dress like this!

WHEN IT'S GONE, IT'S GONE

Customer: The discontinued section is empty.

Store manager: The discontinued section has been discontinued, Sir.

YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THIS ONE

A young boy tells tasteless jokes about dead people. See THE SICK SENSE (OF HUMOR).

IMMIGRANT'S POEM

It has really been rough
Since I acquired this cough.
I'll go to work today, though,
And with medicine make it through.

HELPFUL AT A MONOPOLY GAME

Thus asketh the Lord, "What good is your Baal?"

And he said, "To get me out of jail."

SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

If you're spending too much time on movies, forget THE GODFATHER and remember God's son.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT

Online customer: I received everything I ordered but the Bible.

Online salesperson: It was a mistake by the packer. We resent the Bible.

BLAME THE (INSTANT) MESSENGER

Ebay seller: Shipped your jewelry this morning.

Immigrant: Good! Wife exited!

ANOTHER TIEPOE

Sign: Regularly $100, now 20% of!

Customer to salesperson: So I pay $20.

Salesperson: No, $80.

BUT WE BOUGHT IT OFF YOUR WEBSITE!

Animals: How long is our ark reservation?

Noah: Forty days and thirty-nine nights.

Animals: But it's gonna rain forty days and forty nights.

Noah: Sorry, but that's our policy.

ASK A SILLY QUESTION

A tornado ripped apart a school. Yet someone phoned, "Is the school open?"

The person taking the call allowed, "Yep--wide open!"

IF A TREE FALLS IN A FOREST AND . . .

If a team wins a sports championship, but everyone in that city drowns in a concurrent flood, would there be a celebration?

NEED BINOCULARS

There's a gas station with a restaurant south of here--the only such for many, many miles, by the way. The name is FLICKS. From a distance it looks like . . .. Similarly, there's a SLICKS auto body shop near here.

NOT OUR HIGHEST RATED SHOW

Promo: A farmer's chicken production mysteriously drops. See the next episode of THE EGGS FILES.

NO PUN INTENDED(?)

TV anchor: Go to our website, where we'll be streaming info about the flood.

SOUNDS LIKE CHEATING TO ME

Mother: True or false, Texas is the biggest state?

Little son: False. Texas used to be the biggest state but now Elastic is--I guess they stretched it.

MODERN "GIFT OF THE MAGI"

When I think of the spring of 2011, I can imagine a Texas boat on dry land and a Memphis, TN, house floating.

SAD BUT TRUE

Best line, under the circumstances, I heard concerning the May 2011 Mid-South flood: An elderly victim sobbed, "When I cries about the flood, I jus' sees mo' water."

ANCESTORS

Mother: What did you learn about in Sunday school?

Little daughter: Genealogy.

Mother: And what's genealogy, Heather?

Little daughter: It's learning about your aunts and sisters.

BASEBALL'S ONLY FATAL BEANING

When baseball pitcher Carl Mays fatally hit batter Ray Chapman with an inside pitch, I guess he gave new meaning to the term "dead-ball era."

AH, SO

Don't be afraid when you hear thunder. It means you survived the lightning.

NEVER COULD TRUST THOSE FORECASTERS

A victim of a disastrous tornado: That California kook predicted the end of the world on Saturday, and it didn't happen 'til Sunday!

MIND IN THE GUTTER

Little boy (pointing at a sexily clad damsel): Who's she, Mama?

Mother: Now, how did you know what she does?!

NEITHER RAIN, NOR SNOW, NOR GLOOM OF . . .

One: The Cubs have had a boatload of injuries and haven't missed a beat.

Other: Still losing, huh?

One: Uh, right.

TODAY'S GAME: THE IRRESTIBLE FORCES AGAINST THE IMMOVABLE OBJECTS

One: I see the Cubs have erected another statue out there.

Other: Na, that's just our third baseman. He doesn't have a lot of range.

THE CHURCH APOLOGIZES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE

Preacher: Brothers and sisters, there's a typographical error in the second paragraph, page 4, of your doctrine manual. Where it reads, "When you sin, repeat," please change the "a" to an "n."

WHAT?!

Did you see that white-robed, sandaled, bearded, old man with a sign that read, "REPET--THE "N" IS NEAR!"?

HOLY WATER?

One: Hey, that guy's dancing on the pool!

Other: Oh, yeah, that's tap water.

NEW SLOGAN

During the national basketball finals between Dallas and Miami, do you think the sentiment was, "If you can't stand the Heat, root for the Mavericks."?

COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE--NOT!

Blonde at voting booth: I can't find the name of one of the candidates I'm voting for.

Booth worker: Who's that?

Blonde: Sally.

Booth worker: I don't know about a Sally . . .

Blonde's friend: See I told you, dummy! Those lawn signs said, "For Sale."

EARLY TRAINING

What's the first subject babies learn? PEE.

COORDINATING CITY FINANCES WITH THE FITNESS CRAZE

Jogger: But, officer, I'm a pedestrian.

Policeman: I'm giving you a spitting ticket.

MAKES SENSE TO ME

One: You don't have any pants on!

Other: It's ok. This shirt is triple X.

FOR BASEBALL FANS ONLY

Two baseball players are signing autographs when a number of flies begin to bother the lady they're signing for. She's about to swat them with a scorecard when another fly wearing an S on the chest area of its caped blue and red costume whizzes around her eyes. Reacting to this new annoyance, she swats him instead.

One player: What the heck is that?

Other player: That was Sacrifice Fly.

COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE(?)

Blonde at estate sale: I want this.

Sale worker: Ma'm, the sticker clearly says, "Sold."

Blonde: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it meant, "Somewhat old."

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

Customer to salesman: Show me the Carfax.

A couple of brightly dressed guys approach and chime in, "Hello, Sir, isn't this a marvelous vehicle? Or would you prefer to see something in lavender or chartreuse?"

NO DEAD AIR ANYWAY

Reporter: We're live from the site of the plane crash, where it has been determined by officials that there are no survivors.

GO CUBBIES!

I have some good news and some bad news for Chicago Cub baseball fans. The good news is I predict the Cubs' streak of non-championship seasons will end at 104. The bad news is some predict the world will end in December of 2012.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES . . .

I was talking with a couple of blondes about the possible end of the world on December 21, 2012. One of them posed, "Well, we could celebrate Christmas a week early." The other blonde went, "Duh! There's no end of the world--the world is round!"

REMEMBER BEADS FOR MANHATTAN ISLAND?

(Indian male in a Vegas brothel) Madame: May we help you?
Indian: Me want Indian princess.
Madame: Indian princess? Un huh--I'll get you Marsha--uh, Marsh Dew.
Indian: Um, her Indian?
Madame: Oh, yes, a nice, pretty Indian girl.
Indian: What tribe?
Madame: Uh--she's a Nevada 'ho.

YOU NAME IT . . .

Imagine, if you would, this strip center marquee:

GOOD BUY travel agency
SURELOCK HOMES residential security system
LAWN ORDER landscaping
preFURS 2nd-hand coats and stoles
SHOO! exterminators--Bug emergency? We'll step on it!
BABES 'R' US gentlemen's club

WHAT DO MONSTERS DO ON HALLOWEEN?

Imagine Halloween decorations galore as the doorbell rings again. The lady of the house strolls to the door, opens it, and shouts to her husband, "It's Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman." The husband reaches the doorway and utters, "You three couldn't afford costumes again this year, right?"

666-TOSATAN/000-4HEAVEN

How does the devil answer the phone? "Hell."

How do angels answer the phone? "Halo."

THANKS FOR SHARING THAT

Blonde's friend: What did you think of Chernobyl?

Blonde: Oh, I didn't even know Cher got married again.

PROCESS OF ELIMINATION

In other local news, there were numerous reports across the countryside of mysterious lights in the night sky. Phone calls were received by law enforcement agencies, as well as virtually every media outlet, between 9:45 and 10:30 last evening. In particular, Sheriff Wally Jones and a deputy, Travis Boone, ventured out of their office to obtain a first-hand look at the reportedly often-moving, sometimes-stationary, and usually-flickering lights. Sheriff Jones commented this morning about 8:30, "We don't at this time know what it was, but it definitely was not a UFO."

100% CHANCE OF WEATHER

Well, it was the first game of a team's baseball season. Early in the extended pre-game, the announcer pointed out the damp conditions, " . . . and recently it's started to rain but not hard. The game, though, should begin on time. We expect it to deteriorate as the afternoon progresses."

Uh, what's going to deteriorate? The weather? The rain? The game?

NO RESPECT: FAMILY PRIDE

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like you know how family members try to claim you as taking after their side of the family? Heck, in my family both sides claim that I'm from the other side of the family!

NO RESPECT: KEEP AWAY

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like when I was little, my mother said, "Don't you realize how hard your father works to keep food on the table?" I said, "Yeah, I realize how hard he works to keep food on the table. Every evening I see him lock all the doors to the dining room to keep me outta there!"

NO RESPECT: OUR HERO!

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Ya know, today they have seat belts, child car seats, special restraining devices--heck, when I was little, they used me as the air bag!

NO RESPECT: FAIR SHARE

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like I told my uncle, "I hope you remember me in your will." A few weeks ago he passed on. Turns out he owed about a hundred fifty thousand dollars. My share is twenty-five!

NO RESPECT: . . .THERE'S A WAY

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like last month, I was in the hospital. My family sent me a card. It said, "Get will soon!"

NO RESPECT: BETTER LISTEN!

No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect. Like when I was little, my mother always said, "Look one way before you cross!"

X-RATED? (SIN)

A guy in a multi-screen movie house accidentally wandered into the restroom area, where he noticed one of my sins--a sign with letters missing--namely, "OMEN" for "WOMEN." "Hey, I've always wanted to see this movie," he thought, as he sauntered right in.

FRIGHT CHICKEN

Why did the chicken walk across the road? It's been afraid to fly since 9/11.

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?

I asked my friend whether he got lucky at the casino last night. He offered, "No--but I won six hundred dollars."

A PENNY SAVED . . .

Customer: How much is this language-learning program?

Salesperson: $521.99.

Customer: $521.99! F___!

Salesperson: Well, it seems you don't need French.

HEAD SCRATCHER

Our everyman strolls to an information desk in a large, busy area. "Can you tell me where the lost and found is," he inquires.

"Absolutely, Sir," the employee announces. "The lost is all the way down to your left, and the found is all the way down to your right."

HEY!

Some disclaimers are needed for this one. First, it's meant to be in cartoon form. Second, it's the kind of classic idea that I'd bet has been done before, but I don't recall seeing it. Anyway, a bunch of folks are on their hands and knees in hay in a barn. The one to the far right in the cartoon holds up a needle. (Need I say more?)

CLOSE BUT NO SCAR

A rookie pitcher was starting a spring training baseball game. He not only sported earrings, but also displayed a nose ring. The Afro was probably a given. Anyway, the first hitter broke his bat on an inside fastball and rolled out weakly to shortstop. The next man up walked on four inside pitches. The third hitter barely escaped a pitch toward his head before walking on inside stuff as well. The first pitch to the cleanup batter plunked him on the shoulder. Out came the pitching coach. The home-plate umpire joined the discussion. "What the heck is going on?!" demanded the coach.

The pitcher breezed, "We jus' bes jammin'."

IT'S GOOD!!

Hear about the Kobe Bryant mixer that emits a loud sound when the mixing is done? That's right, it's equipped with a beater buzzer!

MARGE MADNESS

A little girl wanted to shoot the basketball. "No, you're too young for that," her uncle asserted.

"I want to shoot the basketball!" the girl went on.

"Marjorie, I said you're too short," the uncle argued.

"I want to shoot the basketball!!" the kid yelled.

"But you're a gir . . .," her uncle tried to plead as she interrupted.

"I said I . . .," she went on as if possessed.

"Ok, here," allowed her uncle. Standing almost under the basket and with her best heave, the niece hurled the ball straight enough but just under the rim. At that point Margorie's father walked into the gymnasium.

"You didn't let her shoot the basketball, did you, Eddie?" the father said to his brother.

"Nothin' but net," the uncle hedged.

NOT TONIGHT . . .

Adam was asked what Eve used when she had a headache. "A leaf," Adam divulged.

FARM GIRL?

A traveling businessman found himself in a rural area and stopped into a small motel. As he checked in, he inquired of the desk clerk, "Anything going on around here?"

The clerk informed the businessman, "I think they're having a hoedown tonight."

The guest, lowering his voice, followed up, "You don't happen to know how much she charges, do you?"

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD OF FOOTBALL

Brett Favre: I don't always wear pants; but when I do, I prefer Wrangler jeans. Stay sexy, my friend.

TERRORISTS, BEWARE!

Passenger: I didn't expect to see Frankenstein and the Wolfman on this airplane.
Attendant: Oh, they're just using their freak-flier miles.

HAVE ANY PICTURES? WANNA BUY SOME?

Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger gave new meaning to taking snaps.

WHERE THERE'S A WILL . . .

Coach: Hey, Favre, you can't play Sunday; your arm's in a sling.
Brett: Not my left arm.

AND NOW YOU KNOW ONLY HALF THE STORY

Afternoon car accident: Ok, Sir, please give me your name--good--your insurance company--fine--address--ok--what's your home phone number?--your work phone--cell number--oh, yeah, what's your e-mail address--let's see this one's home, this one's at work--
Darkness falls: Have a website? I see, good--how 'bout a blog--uh huh--twitter account?--good--facebook?--thanks--oh, yes, let me see a major credit card--ok--and . . .

FOR REAL?

Department store placard: FAUX FUR COAT $39.95
Blonde: Hey, that's a great price for a fox fur!

READ MY LIPS

Mark Cuban(cube en): I am not desperate to own a baseball team, but if I'd swung that Chicago job, I might have changed my name to Cuban (Cub en).

JOB WITH LOTS OF TURNOVER

What did the sexy quadriplegic do for a living? She was a belly dancer.

WHO ARE YOU?

Graffiti: Remember to give Trick-or-Treaters good costumer service!

BAD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

Guy: Do you really think the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012?
Friend: Nah. With these earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear power plant disasters, I don't see how we'll make it out of 2011!

MAINTAINING AN IMAGE

Observer in buffet: Ma'm, you're carrying two plates!
Fat lady: I have only two hands!
Observer: Well, are you going back for seconds?
Fat lady: Oh, it'll take a lot longer than that!

QUITE A FEAT

So an NFL coach's wife has become famous for her feet display on the internet. I guess that makes her a corn star?

WHAT WE HAVE HERE--IS--FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

Solicitor: Do you have an old cell phone you're not using?
Blonde: Why do you ask?
Solicitor: Soldiers.
Blonde: No, I didn't sell it. I still have mine.

LITTLE KNOWN CAJUN UTAH

Blonde: What's the nickname of that Bayou team?
Friend: You mean LSU?
Blonde: No.
Friend: Louisiana Tech?
Blonde: Un uh.
Friend: Maybe Mississippi State?
Blonde: No, Bayou--BYU.

WORLDLY PURSUITS

Grafitti: Amelia Earhart and Magellan made New Year's revolutions.

ONLINE AND IN LINE

For material treasures, you might think Ebay; for spiritual treasures, think "obey."

COMING OR GOING?

Blonde: I'd like a slice of coconut pie.
Waitress: I'm sorry, Ma'm, but we've run out.
Blonde: Well, how soon do you think they'll be back?

THE LOSER IS . . .

The U.S.A.'s lack of productivity leads to threats by foreign countries. See AMERICA IDLE, only in theaters.

BETTER THAN A BIRD IN THE HAND

Dispensing hot chocolate every hour on the hour it's the new Cocoa Clock!

GRAMPS'S CRAMPS

Man: I understand that your grandfather is a novelist--he writes books.
Little girl: He's retired.
Man: Why did he retire?
Little girl: He has author writis.

DEEP THOUGHTS

Caller to school at 4 a.m.: Is school going to open today?
Administrator (after pushing with all his might against snowed-in door): No, Ma'm, I don't think so.

WATCH OUT FOR CZECHS

It took quite awhile for the plantation system to be done away with. It seems there was a tiepoe in the headlie: LINCOLN FREES SLAVS.

GO FIGURE

You see some school zones show speed limits of 10 or 15 mph. Others allow 20 to 25 mph. What do you think--that second group of kids are older and faster? Or maybe those areas are crowded, and bumping off one or two wouldn't hurt.

MIGHT INCUR A SIR CHARGE

The Great Carnak returns!
Answer: Zebra.
Question: What's the largest size of women's upper piece of lingerie?

WHO'S HEIMLICH?

After a blonde's boyfriend got a bone stuck in his throat and died, she was asked why she didn't help him. The girl explained, "I thought he said he was joking."

BARGAINS

MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK SUNDRY

44-caliber 7-shooter
2 ladies of the evening for the price of one
2 perms for the price of one

SPECIALIZATION

What's the best delivery service for salads? Parsley Post.

ANOTHER ONE I DUG UP

Hear about the dandelion and the crabgrass that had been together about a month? Yep, they were newlyweeds.

WHAT'S THAT I HEAR BEHIND US?

Houston: What about fossils?
Astronaut: We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found a fossil 50 feet tall with footlong claws. The bad news is it's only about a month old.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS--SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION

Purchasing from Cairo on the internet is called what? E-Gyp.
How does a rattlesnake in Arizona phone a cobra in India? Poison to poison.
How does someone in San Antonio communicate with a person in Dallas? Tex message.

COULDN'T GOOGLE THIS ONE

Where can you see videos of spa orgies? YOUTUB.

ADULT TERMINOLOGY

Hear about the blonde that thinks Silicon Valley is another term for cleavage?

ARE THESE ALLOWED ON AIRPLANES?

I saw an ad for an atomic watch, professed to be accurate to within a second per million years. Should they include a disclaimer that adds, ". . . or until the battery runs down, whichever comes first"?

SI, SI, MONSIEUR

These days almost everything is written in several languages. I have a package of razors that relates required information in English and French. I was glad to read in French that the razors were made in Mexico.

#1 ON THE FOUL PLAYLIST

A small-town disc jockey is about to come into a large fortune from a hospitalized grandfather, when the radio personality's body is found in a lake near the station. See DEAD HEIR, only in theaters.

SHE CAN WAKE UP OR . . .

What's the best way for Dorothy to get back to Kansas from Oz? Reverse Ozmosis.

ALPHABET SOUP

Mother: Ok, Heather, say your ABC's.
Heather: A, B, C.
Mother: Now your DEF's.
Heather: D, E, F.
Mother: How about your GHI's?
Heather: G, H, I.
Mother: And your . . .

But then there's another daughter--
Neighbor: Can you say your ABC's, Ashley?
Ashley: Of course! M, S, V, C, O, Z, A, L, Q, . . .
Neighbor: Wait--it's supposed to be A, B, C, D, E, F, . . .
Ashley: Well, you didn't tell me to say 'em in order!

BROTHER!

What did Gretel, palms up and to the sides, say to her mother when Gretel arrived home alone on her bicycle from the witch's house? Look, Ma, no Hansel!

WHAT IF . . .

What if John Adams or his son, John Quincy Adams, had married, say, Evelyn Jones? Then the First Lady would have been Eve Adams. Ok, see the first couple was--oh, whatever.

THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG

The first couple ever was which?
a. Adam and Eve;
b. A dame and Eve;
c. Adam and Steve;
d. Eve 'n' Steven;
e. Steve and Edie;
f. Tarzan and Jane.

EASY TRANSITION

Hip-hop singing idol goes gospel. See FROM RAPPER TO RAPTURE, in theaters only.

PARTY HEARTY

Years ago a motel was in its last days but featured a holiday period marquee that I'll never forget:
PLAN YOUR FAMILY
PARTIES NOW
I still wonder how wild those parties were!

WHO NEEDS PILLS?

Our company's employee buffet sometimes lists "calm chowder" on the menu. Maybe that's to counteract the effects of the strong coffee.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN . . .

(Headlie) PUJOLS LIKELY FREE AGENT; WAINWRIGHT OUT FOR YEAR
Mgr. LaRussa asked, "Other than that, how are you enjoying spring training?"

CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?!

A driver sees a sign with an arrow to the right: DOWN TOW. So he turns right and surely enough his car almost immediately falls off a cliff. Soon a wrecker arrives. Perhaps its shop is indeed located downtown.

GO TO _ELL

(To a blonde)Guy: Do you plan to go to college?
Blonde: Yes.
Guy: What do you plan to study?
Blonde: Cheerleading.
Guy: You're going to college to study cheerleading? Uh, have you decided on a school?
Blonde: Yell sounds good, I guess.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

One Chicago sportscaster has uttered such as the following: "Sometimes you have to go with what you visually see with your eyes," and, "Carlos, we all know, needs to control his mental state of mind." I'm sure you can understand and comprehend that these comments are redundant and superfluous.

SOULFUL STYLE

Hear about the African-American barber shop quartet? They call themselves "Tune Fro."

THE GREATEST SMOKEOUT (HEADLIE)

SMOKING BEING PHASED OUT

New law requires tobacco purchasers to be under 18 years of age

WON AND DONE (HEADLIE)

NCAA SANCTIONS WREAK HAVOC WITH BASKETBALL TOURNEY

Final Four moved up to this weekend with BYU, St. Mary's, Notre Dame, and Holy Cross

LUNAR LUNCH

Have you heard that they found a restaurant on the moon? Great food, not much atmosphere, of course.

DIVERSIFY!

Well, if TIME magazine wants to diversify, here are some possibilities: For cravat cravers/clothes horses, I present for your edification TIE magazine. For Asians and spicy food lovers, how about THAI magazine? Continuing with that spice theme, there could be THYME magazine. Or not.

REPENT AND BE SHAVED

Picture it: an old man with a long, long, long white beard. As he enters, we keep looking at his beard dragging the floor and still trailing outside the door. How long is that thing? Oh, well, not to worry too much. The sandaled, white-robed gentleman's sign informs us, of course, "The End Is Near!"

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

(At a buffet) Employee: Ma'm, the sign clearly states that children under ten must be accompanied by an adult to the food bars.
Mother: Oh, my son can't really read yet.